=P

oh my god, this is such a hot day................

Killing Myself Again and Again

I try and I try, but things just never work out
I fall then I get up, but people push me down again and again

I got killed, then I revived, but they just kept stabbing me
So I stay still, dead, in my own tomb where no one could get to me...

I'm alone, I'm depressed
It's dark here, there's no smiles...

They say I did this to myself,
Yes, half, maybe, but most, it's them...

Then again, there comes the car of death
Inside, a man in a hood... Black, dark, eerie...

Again, and again... The sight never leaves me...
Twice... Three times... Four times...

I lose count... He comes again and again
I die again and again... Suicide, fail...

I just had a quick glance at him,
then light bursts and he fades away, driving into another alley

I wait, I stare, I hope... He comes back and claims me
I kill myself... Again and again...

He comes... Again and again...
He goes.... Again and again..

I am never claimed...
But I die again and again

This is all my doing...
I'm killing myself again and again...
Just so I can escape...
And be with him...

_______________________
REGARDS: GOD OF DEATH, when will you claim me?

My future?

So I can officially call this blog quite DEAD since I don't get much readers and I'm not updating anything...
My Black Eagle series is currently on hold, like I said.
Writer's block it so damn annoying like FUCK.
So great, I have no idea what to write. My brain is dead but my fingers are in a desperate mode for motion...

Okay...

What am I going to write here..

Great, let's have a little idea on my future, shall we?

I have a lot of dreams, ambitions and hopes that normal people have but don't usually chase. I guess that's just me, because I like chasing impossible things, most probably because there's more challenges.

People call me crazy, and I don't really mind, in fact, I think it's more of a compliment. I like being crazy. I like pain. I enjoy the sight of blood and guts. I love dead things. Yes, you can say that I hate living things... (in some way...)
Then again, I love living things. I don't like surgeries... Mostly because seeing the beating heart of someone is like an invasion of privacy....

Moving on and on and on...

Where am I heading now? Where am I setting my goals?

..
.
..
.
.
.
.
I have no idea.

These are a list of my interests in job fields, yada yada yada
-Musician
-Novelist
-Actress
-Director
-Script Writer
-Psychologist
-Teacher? (maybe?)

So that's my current list of interest, teacher not so much, but I could see myself teaching really bad kids though.. (With a very weird way of teaching that involves body guards and arm wrestling)

Now....

Okay...

Recently...

I went to a BRATs camp in Kuantan (which is awesome BTW)

It was on journalism.

I used to want to become a journalist when I first heard about BRATs, that was when I was around 10 and my cousin came to my house to stay a night and leave for the workshop the next day. She told me about it and it seemed interesting.

I lost interest in journalism long before I joined BRATs too. So why did I join it in the first place?

Let's get with why I lost interest, okay?

I lack interest reading newspapers... I only read comics, that's the only reason why I even touch the newspaper, comics and sudoku.... So I don't really enjoy real life stories. (it's boring in some way) So the interest just faded, but still I enjoy writing. Only last year I practically rampaged across the internet to find a Creative Writing in college or whatever. The best of course, is in America or Britain, as it originated from there...

Now moving on with the "Actress" bit, shall we? We can leave BRATs for later..
My interest in acting started maybe when I was in Form Three? I just watched a lot of movies and thought, wouldn't a life of an actor be more interesting and hectic? (Yes, sometimes I enjoy hectic) So when my aunts asked me what was my goal in life, I said Acting and they went, "Acting is not a good career, you have to be a prostitute" and all that BULL SHIT. Of course, my dad doesn't encourage me either. (Nobody in my family is helpful, they keep shooting down my hopes so I really don't like them) But heck, I would never give acting up.

Now moving to why I joined BRATs.

I wanted to join BRATs since my cousin joined. Of course, I wanted to join for the fun and excitement. I had no luck last year, I flipped no newspapers. I wanted to join early this year, but still, I didn't flip the newspapers. So how? One day, I was bored in school (Wednesday) so I decided to pick up a paper in the library and do some sudoku. Then flipping through the pages, there it was: "BRATs" I gaped in awe and joy. Read up the details and got writing straight away. I'm quite a contradictory writer, as my teacher claims, I say one thing in the beginning then twists it at the end. Of course, I'm never pleased with my work, no matter how good I do it. I always need to find that bit of satisfaction, that people would find it enjoyable. So yes, I had my teacher go through it. What she said hurt because what I wrote was irrelevant to what BRATs wanted. I only wrote about my dreams, and I introduced myself as a third person. So what my teacher said, "This is not you, you are only hiding behind words." Yes, I have. I'm always scared of revealing myself, taking off that sheath of protection, but still, time will come where I will need to be honest, and that was it. I wrote about what I did in school, what I loved to do, what competitions I entered and whatnot. I was ecstatic when I heard I got in. My teacher said, "This is good for you, it can help you expose yourself. You are like Kino, you know? Trapped in a pot just waiting to break out."

Yes, I am just like Kino, one of the characters in the Pearl. I'm just waiting, just hoping.

Now let's move on a bit more, shall we?

My plan, for now.

So almost 2 months ago or so, my school had career day and had a few colleges from here and there to come have a convention. My goals are writing and acting, so I had that in mind when I went around. And what do you know? The first college that approached me (New Era College) was cheap, affordable and yes, HAS DRAMA COURSES!!!

The thought of it ran through my head for the whole week. Drama, drama, drama, I've always wanted to do Drama. My school doesn't have it, so I don't know if I'm talented. I want to do Drama, I want to act. But people don't encourage me, so I hardly ever tell anyone about my dreams and goals...

I thought, "Hey! I could take up Drama, study, get certificate, get a job, earn enough money to send myself to America, get a job there, then study Writing there." I told myself, "We don't get Drama workshops, and I'm already quite good in what I do (writing stories). So I should take up Drama, then if I can't get into a writing course in the US, I could always attend a writer's workshop!"

I don't mind low-living. I won't mind living in an apartment, renting a room, working double shifts to pay my bills. It would be something new to me and I like trying new things.

This is me.

This is how I want my future to be.

End of Workshop

It's been forever since I've posted something here...
I have no excuse for my laziness (only laziness)
So yup, the camp is over, and I miss it MADLY!!!

My Fariytale~

Oh-my-GOD!



I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him at the park! I watched him with predator eyes. He was so handsome, I could never take my eyes off him. I knew that from the first time I met him, I would love him forever. I knew that when I first laid eyes on him, we were meant to be. I knew that when I touched him, he felt the electricity that pierced through our skin, that tingling sensation. I knew, I knew. I used to know everything... But now, when I see him in the park, the place he broke off with me three years ago, I don't know anything anymore...


I used to be the most popular girl in school. Every girl wanted to be my best friend, every guy wanted to go out with me. From that break-up onwards, I knew I would always be a "used-to-be". A "used-to-be" high school student; a "used-to-be" the most popular, a "used-to-be" having someone tailing me all the time. All those "used-to-be"s have been chucked away by me. I threw them in a wastepaper basket like a pile of rotten tomatoes. Everything started and ended with that break-up with "him", but of course, I never blamed him... I loved him, and I couldn't stop loving him.


I was the popular girl in school but he was just nerd. He was always bullied and... you know the rest. Nerds. I never knew him when he was a nerd. Or more likely, I never knew he was a nerd. He never wore glasses and he always looked so good. He had a great personality and everything. I was a cheerleader and I always expected to see him playing some sport but I never did. I actually stalked him....

Who knew he never played sports, or more like he sucked at them. One day when I was heading back from Drama Class, I caught him in the lab. There he was, sitting attentively, like a little puppy. Then I started to see him more often. I purposely skipped a few minutes of Drama Class to have a peek at him. Of course, being popular has it's bad points too. I had loyal followers who would follow me around everyday. Every time I wanted to sneak a glance at him, I had to make sure there were no eyes on me. I would be so busted if the guy I was dating at that time caught me checking out another guy.


I had a feeling he never noticed me at all, so I went to higher measures. I purposely knocked into him once and I fell on the floor. He, of course, was quite confused and shocked. I, has many observers and guys who wanted to help me up. But I didn't want any guy, I wanted him, and only him. I tried not to make eye contact because they would know how desperately I wanted him. I had to try to get up myself, then I saw it. His hand. He put out his hand to help me up, I was ecstatic! I smiled and him and took his hand and I could feel that electrical jolt passing through my entire body and I knew he felt it too because he blushed.

"S... Sorry!" he said it and he ran down the hall. I tried to catch him after school and luckily, I did. I wanted to ask him out, but it seemed weird for a popular girl like me to ask a nerd like him out. So I thought of a reason. When I asked him, I said, "Honey, I owe you for helping me out just now. Thanks. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee later?"


He was dumbfounded. But maybe it was because I said "Honey". I smiled, "Are you free now? I will treat you." He never gave me an answer to that question, he just looked at me. Frustrated, I said, "Come, my treat." I practically pulled him to the coffee shop. He ordered a bottle of mineral water and when I asked why, he said, "I'm allergic to caffeine." That shut me up just right. But we started talking not long after. It was more like I was talking because he hardly spoke. In the end, I wanted to give up on him. He was hopeless! But he did something I never see him do: he smiled at me. I was very pleased with myself. Then he popped the million dollar question that melted my heart into goo, "Would you like to catch a movie sometime? I feel bad knocking you down then having you treat me for this bottle of water." He blushed and looked aside, and that was all he needed to do to make him fall in love with him.

We became steady after a few dates. A lot of people were shocked. A popular girl and a nerd. Who would ever guess? But he was just so cute, and he never looked nerdy. We dated for a long time. We were so much in love. Then it was senior high. We were still dating at that time. We broke off around summer. He picked a great time to break up with me. Two days before summer vacation. He knew I would take time to recover. Oh, he was so considerate! It hurt me as much as it touched me to know he still loved me when he demoted our relationship.


On that day, spring flowers were fading and summer ones were blooming. He brought me a bonquet of my favourite flowers then he told me, “Kathy, you know I love you, and I always will. But our future is more important than our love. Kath, I love you, and I’ll miss you. I know this will hurt you as much as it will hurt me. Kath, let’s break up” He did not look at me when he said “let’s break up”. My heart was shattered and I asked him why. He said he needed to concentrate on his studies and he wouldn’t be available to be with me. I told him that we could get back together after graduation, he said he needed to go to Chicago to work for college. I was devastated and he knew it.


He lifted my chin and wiped away my tears with his thumb but my tears welled up and started falling again, I opened my mouth to talk but he put his finger on my lips and shook his head. I could see the sadness in his eyes, then very faintly, on my lips, he placed a kiss. Then he said, “Hush, don’t cry.” He embraced me and whispered in my ears, “I will come back for you. I will, I promise. But don’t wait for me, you should date a new guy as soon as you get one, regain your perfect life, boys and popularity, everything. I will come back here one day, if we meet in this park, it means we’re meant to be, if we don’t.... You are better off without me.” I wanted to protest, to tell him I’d wait a million years for him, but the words were caught in my throat and all that came out were sobs.


I skipped school for the next two days, knowing I would break down in tears the minute I lay eyes on him. My eyes were bloated and sore of crying too much; my voice was rough and my nose was blocked. I cried for weeks. I parents didn’t try to bother with my love life but this time when they saw me like this, they asked me what happened. I didn’t want to tell them, but I did anyway, I wanted somebody to share my feelings with, I wanted a shoulder to cry on and I wanted my parents to be the ones who would be there for me.


When I returned to school after summer vacation, my friends asked why did I break up with him. I told them we were going to break up anyway, so it was not big deal. My heart broke into thousands of pieces whenever they asked me that. I knew he told everybody that I broke up with him to retain my reputation. We graduated and he went to Chicago, I never saw him since. I tried to search him on Facebook but I couldn’t find him. I tried every social site but I got nothing.

Days became weeks and weeks became months. Everyday I would go back to the same park where we broke up just to feel his mild presence. It was the only happiness I could gain, to feel his long gone presence. Soon, days became years. 3 years in fact, until I could finally set my eyes on his solid body. At first I couldn’t believe it, it looked surreal, I wondered if my imagination was playing tricks on me.


I walked towards him, touched him and felt that electrical jolt that pierced through our bodies when we first touched. It couldn’t be anyone else! He turned to look at me and he smiled the warmest smile I ever saw!


“Hello, Kathy,” his eyes was filled with love. I nodded, “Kyle. How have you been?” He smiled again and said, “Let’s go get some coffee and catch up.” We went to the same place where we had our first date. He ordered a bottle of mineral water again.


“So, Kathy, have have you been?”


“Since the day you left for Chicago, I hardly ever left home.” I chuckled.


“I could tell, you lost your tan.”


“So what did you do in Chicago?”


“I worked in a bar and got a decent pay. I got a scholarship to study biological engineering in UCLA.”


“California?”


“Yeah.” He nodded.


“So... Did you... Date anybody?”

“Nope,” he shook his head and chuckled, “I could never forget about you.” Then he looked at me, “So, found any guy?”

“Never,” I said, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” He smiled.

This is our fairytale coming true.

-END-

This is me trying to write a serious love story. Why am I trying to write a love story anyway? It's because I write too much kill stuff so I'm trying to "broaden my horizons".

Where are you, my Juliet?

I wandered through the streets. I watched the shadows of busy men bustling about the hectic city. Another day to live, another day to suffer.

How long has it been since I last saw her? That beautiful face with that breath-taking smile to match and with those almond-like eyes. Boy, did I miss her. Where are you, my love? Where are you? Where art thou, my Juliet?

I first laid eyes on that angelic face on a summer's night. She glowed with pure radiance and shined under the moonlight. She caught my eyes as she caught my heart. To me, it was love at first sight. Her beauty was immense, it filled my whole night. She glanced at me for less than a second, and my heart leapt with joy! She noticed me for the first time! Although as happy as I was, I was infinitely embarrassed, she caught me staring straight at her like a dumb fool! She giggled for just that brief moment, and it meant everything to me. I knew for sure she liked me!

I approached her, confident as I was, only to be turned down and get my pride stepped on. But I did not complain, nor did I breathe a word on this. How could I, a man like me, ever date a girl like that? But a man can have desires, and what I desired was her soft scent close to me.

I saw her only once, and it was on that summer's night. I caught her eyes at me only for that brief moment when she looked at me. From that millisecond, I could tell, she was beautiful inside and out. A pure angel brought down from the heavens. Dear God, I miss her so.

I wander on the same street that I last saw her. Walking, watching, peeking at every corner, hoping to catch one last glimpse at that pretty face. How long have I done that until it has become my daily routine? How long has it been until it has become my route to work and back? How long?

Dear me, I cannot recall. It was on the summer of 96. It has been years. I wonder if she had changed; I wonder if she is still single. I miss her, I miss her, for years I have longed for her. But sadly, never once have I saw her since that summer night of 96. If only I could see her again, I would tell her how much I have longed for her, how long I have waited for her. If only she would reappear...

I do not care if she has a husband, nor do I care if she has children, I have to see her, I have to tell her, my heart is aching with tears. Where, oh, where could she be? My darling Juliet, where are you?!

________________________________

END OF STORY

This is not a sequel of the Black Eagle, this is just another stupid story I managed to conjure up in the middle of the night. I have no life >.<

The Black Eagle : The Voice

She took off early, saying she had a bad stomach ache. Dina headed back to her lonely apartment. The voice in her head was whizzing again.

Kid, why are you going back early?

Didn't you listen? I said I had a bad stomach ache.

You don't look like it, kid.

Tell me, did I... Did you kill that woman?

What woman ya talking bout?

The one, that one, the cut up one... On the street below our apartment..

Oh, THAT woman. Don't bother, kid, she's not worth your time.

But she died! Killed, more likely, and it was on our street!

Kid, there's many coincidences in the world. This is just one of them. Don't take it to the heart.

Dina could not keep secrets from the voice in her head. It knew everything about Dina but she knows nothing about it. It could keeps secrets from Dina, it could use Dina's body for it's own purpose. Before it died, it was known as "The Black Eagle". The most famous hired assassin. No police would dare interfere with the Eagle's job. Never once was the Eagle caught, never once was it seen. It's voice would only be heard by its pitiful victims.

Dina felt tired when she reached her empty apartment. She thought about her broken family. She had none. Her mother disappeared when she was eight months old, her father remarried and left her when she was thirteen. Up till now, she has managed to escape the evil social workers who want to put her in a foster home. Unfortunately, she met a voice that went into her body. That voice was not a kind voice but kind enough. It helped her through hard times. When she had no money and had to scrounge for food, the voice knew exactly where to get them. When she needed money for school and a place to stay, the voice led her to it. She knows that the voice was once a real life person. One that is not very kind, but kind enough. She uses the belongings of the voice and never asks for more. She is grateful that she has the voice to guide her, but she is also scared, because sometimes, the voice can control her body when she is unconscious and do anything at all.

To be continued..


Finally! My sequel!! I hope you guys enjoy it!! Sorry it's so short though >.<