Dream: First love?

I know my blog doesn't have many stories on love, but I decided this story was cute (albeit it was a dream)

So, I had a dream, it made me think, "Someone should know this too"

I had this dream about a few minutes ago, and I decided to write it down when it's still fresh in my head. (I had a few other dreams as well, but those are irrelevant.

Anyway, in a dream, you pop up some place and you don't usually remember how you got there.

So I was at a park with a friend, then Brad Pitt passed by us, apparently. My friend looked him in the eye (and they knew each other, apparently), then she raised her hand to her face and tapped her cheek with two fingers and smiled. So Brad Pitt smiled back too, and they passed each other with a greeting nod.

Those smiles weren't flirtatious, they looked fun, like they'd been friends for a long time, and they've known each other for a long time too.

So I asked her, "What was that for?"

She smiled at me, she said, "Always give your first love a chance."

And then a few minutes after, I woke up, my dream ended.


I know people have trouble letting go of their first love, I am one of those people. You think about your first love every once in a while, and you smile.

Some people (like me) only preferred to love their first love alone, without letting them know, or even dating them. There was always the little flame, but they decided against letting it grow. So sometimes, the flame doesn't go out.

Some people dated their first love, and then split, heart broken. The flame went out.



I'm not telling anyone to go give your first love a chance if they jerks or whores who broke your heart, but there was a reason why you fell for them in the first place. (Most of the time it's because of their looks)

Your first love could have loved you,  used you, cheated on you, and broke your heart.

Then again, for those who had a better ending, your first love could have loved you very much, but the two of you broke up because the love wasn't enough, or you had different plans and you wanted different things.

Then we have people, who loved the same person throughout their whole life. These people married their first love, had kids, had grand kids and are still together.

And lastly we have people, whose memories of their first loves are pure and innocent, but always dreamy and hazy. They fall in love, and think that that's enough and prefer not to pursue it. These are the people who don't give love a chance, and they don't give first loves a chance.

They do that for one of two reasons:
1. They don't believe in love, or,
2. They believe first love (or love) never lasts, or end happy

You can say that they're a little cruel when it comes to love. They have emotions, but they cast it away. They love someone very, very much, but they let them go.


If your first love was the person who preferred not to love, don't blame them, don't hate them. They put out the little flame you had before you started burning anything. I guess you could say that they prevented a lot of heartbreak.



I'm not implying anything, or that everyone should give their first love a chance.

There's a reason it's called a "chance", it's because chances can't be accurately calculated, otherwise it would be an equation.

Take a chance in life, sometimes bad choices lead to bad results, but then, if you're lucky, the bad results might lead you to somewhere good. You never know.


My dreams have a lot of stories to tell.



I just thought that this one was very nice. And so I decided to use the internet to "preserve" it.



My first love was a flame I never tried to lit and let it grow, that's why it's still dim and it still burns.

What was your first love like? Did you pursue it? Or did you decide to rain on it?

Either way, it doesn't matter. Life goes on, with, or without love.

Sometimes.

You know I don't post all that often or consistent anymore, that is, if you ever read my blog.

Anyway. Sometimes you just want to put your thoughts out on the internet for strangers.

Sometimes you hope the NSA catches wind of what you're saying but you know you're never gonna get caught or do time because you have so little followers that what you say makes no difference.

But sometimes you hope the NSA/CIA/FBI/M16 or whichever intelligence association to read the crap that you put on the internet and (hopefully) catches you and throws you in a cell somewhere so you don't have to deal with the people you deal with.

Sometimes you just want to end it all but you don't want to kill yourself because, come on, where's the fun in that?

Anyway. Sometimes when I write here, I'm writing while listening to something. Usually I'm listening to music. Right now I'm listening to The Maine. I like to write in a particular language while listening to music of the same "particular" language. In most cases, I'm listening to English songs, so I'm always, always, always writing in English. Well, most times anyway.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm worth. If living right now is worth it. Then I realize that dying now is not worth it. Because you don't get to make the people who hurt you suffer, and you don't get to make peace with yourself.

But then sometimes I wonder if I have peace at all.

Maybe I don't, you know? Maybe my peace is distorted, you know? Like my peace only exists in storms and I am the storm.

I used to have a very warm body, when I was a kid. Now my body is always cold. It's like I had some "inner" fire that used to burn while I was young. Now it doesn't anymore. And I'm always cold.

But hey, sometimes, don't you hate it when people say that when you're cold, you don't eat enough meat?

Is there enough meat in the world for everyone to eat? To keep everyone warm?

I think they're cold because they're not happy. And I know I'm not happy.

When I get nervous, I get colder too. It's like calming down makes my body heat go down. It's odd.



I don't like the life I'm living right now, and I don't want to like it. But I can't change it. At least, not yet, not now. Not when I have nothing to change to.

My friend says I'm lost, religiously speaking. I think not.

I was born Buddhist so he asks me of my religious beliefs. I give him a brief overview of what my religion is.

But hey, it's not like I chose to be Buddhist. We don't get to choose which religion we're born into or what parents we're given to.

But anyway, there're no hard feelings. I don't hate my religion. I don't hate any religion anyway.

I tell my friend that if I had a choice, I'd be an atheist who believes in God. Or just a person who believes in God but doesn't belong to a religion.

My friend says they find God through Christianity. But the way he put it, it's like it's ONLY through Christianity that they find God. I think that's bullshit. No offense to the religion, but his interpretation is crap. Honestly.

I believe you don't need a religion to find God, because I believe a God lives in all of us. If everyone stopped believing in God, then God wouldn't exist.

Anyway, my friend says he doesn't believe in dinosaurs.

Now that's ridiculous.

He says that because the bible doesn't have dinosaurs.


I should have told him that the bible was written by humans and humans can be wrong.
I didn't because I wasn't thinking about much.


And he said people used to lived up to 500 years old. Because the bible said it.

Honestly, what if the bible says you have to eat your own feces because it's holy and it belongs to you? Will you eat it? Do you believe EVERY FUCKING THING the "bible" says?

I just might as well write a bible with all sorts of bullshit and just watch you trip over yourself about what it says.

Anyway. I don't have anything against Christians.

More importantly, I don't have anything against any religion.

I believe every religion is trying to teach us something and it depends on our own interpretation of how you accept and perform the teachings.

I'm not preaching about God. I don't like to preach, but when I do, I tell people that God exists and you don't have to be a part of any particular religion to believe in God because God exists in your heart. And while God exists, a demon also exists within yourself. The point is, to accept who you are for who you are. We are only human, we have our demons that haunt us but we have our angels that save us. You can't cast out the demons because the demons are a part of you. You have to learn how to accept the demons as you accept your God.

All my beliefs are based on Yin and Yang, with darkness there is light and with light there is darkness. Or you can also say my beliefs are based on one of Newton's Law - every action has a reaction. It's simple whatever you're doing now, is either the effects of what you did before, or will affect what you do in the future. You can call that karma too.

Anyway, I have so many thoughts I think it's crazy.


You can call this theory crazy too, "God comes from the future"

or "The Big Bang is actually the end and the start of a universe where we are actually living in a trapped time space continuum"

"We are just figments of imaginations of beings and entities that are greater than us"


I like to think that way.


Sometimes it drives me crazy.

But the truth is crazier than all of this, right?

Because the truth doesn't exist. And every lie is a statement. They are not lies. Nor are they truths.



I think words are just words. They become promises only when what is said is done. Otherwise, they're just empty words.


My words could be empty words too. That's why I guess I'll never get on the red radar. Which I think is good too.



I don't know. I could be wrong.

But sometimes, you know?


Sometimes you just wonder, and sometimes you just think too much.

Pulau Redang - Kuala Terrenganu, Malaysia

So, somewhere in July, I went to Redang Island, for the second time in my life. The videos below are my adventures. And I think I need not say more. The videos will tell you everything! I do hope you enjoy it!

What Are You Thinking About?

I've been thinking, quite a lot, actually, about many things.

I realized that there are things I deliberately hide from my friends and family. I know, since long ago, that everybody keeps secrets. But sometimes, you wonder if all the secrets you keep are safe. And sometimes, you wonder if keeping all those secrets with you, keeps you safe. I realize secrets don't necessarily keep you safe. They keep you safe from other people, but they don't keep you safe from yourself. So I guess sometimes it's alright to give out your secrets, so that it won't be a secret anymore. And whatever is not a secret, can't really hurt you, right?

I like to look at the world and the people and everything with as many perspectives that I can and have. And I've come up with so many different theories over the years, I could be Socrates or Plato. But of course, none of my theories include mathematical calculations or physics or chemistry. All my theories simply abstract theories, psychological and literally, theoretical.

I have come to a conclusion that there are at least two sides of me. A darker side and a brighter side. And I believe everyone has at least these two sides. My perspectives change when I'm on different sides of me and I know it. I know I'm doing all of this, so this cannot be a personality disorder. And it's not like I space out or black out whenever I switch personalities, so it can't be.

What's funny is that at one point, I believed that I did have a personality disorder. Because how can I switch personalities and emotions so easily? How can I be one person now and another person in the next second? I'd come to a conclusion that I was bipolar. I read a lot on these personality disorder things, but I know I haven't read enough to fully understand the extent and essence of it, but I've read enough to just understand what it is.

And you wonder, why am I telling you all this? Who are you to me?

You could be strangers, friends or family, it doesn't really matter to me. You can call me crazy and all the names you can come up with and it doesn't matter.

I don't know if I've found my inner peace. But I realized that people are always changing, so my inner peace is always changing, that's why I don't know if I've found it yet.

Anyway, I'm telling you this because even if you don't read it, or even if nobody reads it, I've put out what I've been hiding in my mind for so long that it's driving me to the edge of a cliff.


I've always felt suicidal. It's interesting. Because I never let myself kill myself. Because I'm never going to give anyone the satisfaction of breaking me. If I shall die, it will be by the hands of God or by another person. I don't know if this makes me suicidal. I do not fear heights, but I fear that I might lose myself and just jump off. And what's even funnier is that sometimes I die, and sometimes I don't. When I don't, I do this epic parkour move where I just propel myself right before hitting the ground to avoid major and fatal injuries.

I realized that I've always been interested in parkour. Even as a child, I would stare at something, and visualize myself jumping all over the place. It could be ADHD. What I'm doing right now could be a symptom of ADHD too. I started off with secrets and now I'm talking about parkour. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even thinking straight.

But my thoughts are all over the place.


Then I've been thinking about the world, and people. You know, because I said it before. And I've been thinking about my personalities, you know that too. You see, the problem is, I have one side that is just constantly thinking about killing people, and I have one side that is just trying to save every person. However, as a whole, I strongly believe that killing people is wrong. Even the side that thinking about killing people knows and believes that it is wrong to kill, it still kills because it doesn't care about what is right or wrong.

But anyway, I believe that we do not have the right to kill another human being. No matter what the person has done before, even if he raped or killed another person, I still believe we have no right to kill such a person. Because then, we'll be no different than him. Interestingly enough, I believe that torture is alright. Because even if it's involuntary, what a person might or might not have done, may effect another person, and torture them mentally. So even if it's not torture for the "now", it is still torture for the long run. This torture is something very interesting. The victim has the choice to chase out the torture, however, he/she is unable to, because they have been mentally traumatized. It's interesting, isn't it?

I used to have a very violent and vicious mindset but maybe it's worse now, well, I think it is. Whenever somebody pisses me off, I imagine them dying and surprisingly, it calms me. It still does. But now, I try a different perspective. I don't kill them anymore, because killing them is a mercy. And I prefer not to give them mercy. I would torture them until they're half dead, and then let them recover, then torture them again. An endless torture. Otherwise, I would torture them until they faint, and force them to wake up and torture them so they feel the pain.

So oddly enough, and basically contradictory, I firmly believe that we have no right to kill a person, however, we have every right to torture them for what they did to us.


Well, that was basically what I wanted you to know anyway. The secrets and parkour and personality bullshit was just something that popped into my head before I could gear my mind for the violent stuff.

I think I'm quite evil, when I write it out this way, about how torture is alright. Killing them would be a mercy, wouldn't it, now? Would you show mercy to someone who has mentally abused you? I know I wouldn't. I don't have the ability to do that. But maybe you do. And maybe you're bigger and better than me. And it's alright. Because it's better that way. Because I have my own way of thinking. And it doesn't matter how twisted it gets. It's my own head.

2011

2011 has been a long year for me.
Sometimes it's like, dreadful, but other times it's cool

My mom passed away in January this year which made events this year go more slowly and dreadfully. Let's not say how she passed away and let her rest in peace.

Humans have to move on, especially ones like me who tend to hold on to the past. I have to move on.

Somewhere around June, my dad decided we could all use a vacation to drown out the sorrows. We went to a semi-private beach. It was wonderful and delightful with the sun and the sky just smiling down on you. But when you're like me, you tend to smile then stop and think, 'If mom was still here, would she be smiling like me too?' And that's when the water-works threaten to break out.

Having watched the waves crash and pull back into the ocean, it's like nature overwhelming you with its beauty. And when you look far ahead to the end of the horizon where the sky meets the sea; you'd feel your heart chase after it but never reaching it. Sometimes it feels like it's only days away where in fact, you can never, ever touch it and that's when you know, yeah, nature is pretty cruel like that. But the the waves draw near and crash on you and you feel every emotion in your body drain away as the waves go down, you'd realize, yeah, nature is pretty awesome. Then you look to your sides and you notice little pacts of garbage on the sand and you'd sigh, who did this?

The beauty of the beach is that, it has the effect of cleansing the soul. It drains the sorrows and takes it back to its vast territory. When you cry in the salt water and feel the sting in your eyes, you let the tears find its way down your cheeks and into the sea. When you scream to the ocean and feel the breeze brush through your hair, you let your scream go and listen to it be carried away. And when you close your eyes and open them again to watch the sun set, you'd feel yourself calming down and relaxing, eventually drained. The next day you wake up early to catch the sunrise, you'd feel that rise in confidence, strength and faith in your soul, then you say, 'It's time to move on.'

Year-End BBQ

Sooner or later we're all parting. Perhaps it may be too soon. School's ended. What are we going to do? Are we gonna meet up somewhere? How long will that be? When are we gonna see each other again? Honestly, we can't tell. Who knows what's ahead of us?

I held a year-end BBQ on Friday, had all my friends come to my home and grill some chicken. I think more than forty came. It was awesome. When I look back at that day, I realize, I'm gonna miss them. I'm really gonna miss them. The smiles they have on their faces, their laughs, I'm gonna miss it. I smile with them, chat with them, laugh with them. Not for the last time, no, this can't be the last time. We're gonna meet up again, we have to. We just have to.

My greatest regret is that I didn't get to take any pictures that day. I was so busy running around, chatting and laughing that I forgot about taking pictures. But it's alright, I have it inscripted in my head. It's alright, I won't forget. Well, I hope I'd never forget.

DIEEEE

Suddenly, I'm in the mood to write something incredibly depressing. It's not my fault that I'm so tragic =.=
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"Why..." a soft whisper in the dark, "Why?!!!" turned into a scream of despair...

"You know I had to... I had no choice..." an answer, solemn, and carried with a voice that has too much woe.

"But why..." a soft sob breaks in. The girl drops to her knees, tears blurring her sight. She falls to the ground, blood slowly flowing out from the wound in her stomach. Using all her strength, she shifts her body and glares up at that person, her face contorted into a painful yet sorrowful expression, her mouth opens, she starts to speak, but it hurts. It hurts. Her stomach hurts too much for her to utter words. She stares at him with longing and woe, why did he do it?

He lowers his head and walks away, leaving the wounded girl with blood profusely oozing out die as she looses consciousness.

She watches him walk away and fade into the moonlight. Tears smear her make-up, her black eye-liner smearing her smooth, fair complexion. Darkness approaches her slowly, the burning pain fading. She blinks. Once. Twice. Her head spins. Darkness overcomes her, engulfing her, she faints. Last thing she knew was, "I'm dying"