Sometimes.

You know I don't post all that often or consistent anymore, that is, if you ever read my blog.

Anyway. Sometimes you just want to put your thoughts out on the internet for strangers.

Sometimes you hope the NSA catches wind of what you're saying but you know you're never gonna get caught or do time because you have so little followers that what you say makes no difference.

But sometimes you hope the NSA/CIA/FBI/M16 or whichever intelligence association to read the crap that you put on the internet and (hopefully) catches you and throws you in a cell somewhere so you don't have to deal with the people you deal with.

Sometimes you just want to end it all but you don't want to kill yourself because, come on, where's the fun in that?

Anyway. Sometimes when I write here, I'm writing while listening to something. Usually I'm listening to music. Right now I'm listening to The Maine. I like to write in a particular language while listening to music of the same "particular" language. In most cases, I'm listening to English songs, so I'm always, always, always writing in English. Well, most times anyway.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm worth. If living right now is worth it. Then I realize that dying now is not worth it. Because you don't get to make the people who hurt you suffer, and you don't get to make peace with yourself.

But then sometimes I wonder if I have peace at all.

Maybe I don't, you know? Maybe my peace is distorted, you know? Like my peace only exists in storms and I am the storm.

I used to have a very warm body, when I was a kid. Now my body is always cold. It's like I had some "inner" fire that used to burn while I was young. Now it doesn't anymore. And I'm always cold.

But hey, sometimes, don't you hate it when people say that when you're cold, you don't eat enough meat?

Is there enough meat in the world for everyone to eat? To keep everyone warm?

I think they're cold because they're not happy. And I know I'm not happy.

When I get nervous, I get colder too. It's like calming down makes my body heat go down. It's odd.



I don't like the life I'm living right now, and I don't want to like it. But I can't change it. At least, not yet, not now. Not when I have nothing to change to.

My friend says I'm lost, religiously speaking. I think not.

I was born Buddhist so he asks me of my religious beliefs. I give him a brief overview of what my religion is.

But hey, it's not like I chose to be Buddhist. We don't get to choose which religion we're born into or what parents we're given to.

But anyway, there're no hard feelings. I don't hate my religion. I don't hate any religion anyway.

I tell my friend that if I had a choice, I'd be an atheist who believes in God. Or just a person who believes in God but doesn't belong to a religion.

My friend says they find God through Christianity. But the way he put it, it's like it's ONLY through Christianity that they find God. I think that's bullshit. No offense to the religion, but his interpretation is crap. Honestly.

I believe you don't need a religion to find God, because I believe a God lives in all of us. If everyone stopped believing in God, then God wouldn't exist.

Anyway, my friend says he doesn't believe in dinosaurs.

Now that's ridiculous.

He says that because the bible doesn't have dinosaurs.


I should have told him that the bible was written by humans and humans can be wrong.
I didn't because I wasn't thinking about much.


And he said people used to lived up to 500 years old. Because the bible said it.

Honestly, what if the bible says you have to eat your own feces because it's holy and it belongs to you? Will you eat it? Do you believe EVERY FUCKING THING the "bible" says?

I just might as well write a bible with all sorts of bullshit and just watch you trip over yourself about what it says.

Anyway. I don't have anything against Christians.

More importantly, I don't have anything against any religion.

I believe every religion is trying to teach us something and it depends on our own interpretation of how you accept and perform the teachings.

I'm not preaching about God. I don't like to preach, but when I do, I tell people that God exists and you don't have to be a part of any particular religion to believe in God because God exists in your heart. And while God exists, a demon also exists within yourself. The point is, to accept who you are for who you are. We are only human, we have our demons that haunt us but we have our angels that save us. You can't cast out the demons because the demons are a part of you. You have to learn how to accept the demons as you accept your God.

All my beliefs are based on Yin and Yang, with darkness there is light and with light there is darkness. Or you can also say my beliefs are based on one of Newton's Law - every action has a reaction. It's simple whatever you're doing now, is either the effects of what you did before, or will affect what you do in the future. You can call that karma too.

Anyway, I have so many thoughts I think it's crazy.


You can call this theory crazy too, "God comes from the future"

or "The Big Bang is actually the end and the start of a universe where we are actually living in a trapped time space continuum"

"We are just figments of imaginations of beings and entities that are greater than us"


I like to think that way.


Sometimes it drives me crazy.

But the truth is crazier than all of this, right?

Because the truth doesn't exist. And every lie is a statement. They are not lies. Nor are they truths.



I think words are just words. They become promises only when what is said is done. Otherwise, they're just empty words.


My words could be empty words too. That's why I guess I'll never get on the red radar. Which I think is good too.



I don't know. I could be wrong.

But sometimes, you know?


Sometimes you just wonder, and sometimes you just think too much.