I've been thinking, quite a lot, actually, about many things.
I realized that there are things I deliberately hide from my friends and family. I know, since long ago, that everybody keeps secrets. But sometimes, you wonder if all the secrets you keep are safe. And sometimes, you wonder if keeping all those secrets with you, keeps
you safe. I realize secrets don't necessarily keep you safe. They keep you safe from other people, but they don't keep you safe from
yourself. So I guess sometimes it's alright to give out your secrets, so that it won't be a secret anymore. And whatever is not a secret, can't really hurt you, right?
I like to look at the world and the people and everything with as many perspectives that I can and have. And I've come up with so many different theories over the years, I could be Socrates or Plato. But of course, none of my theories include mathematical calculations or physics or chemistry. All my theories simply abstract theories, psychological and literally, theoretical.
I have come to a conclusion that there are at least two sides of me. A darker side and a brighter side. And I believe everyone has at least these two sides. My perspectives change when I'm on different sides of me and I know it. I know I'm doing all of this, so this cannot be a personality disorder. And it's not like I space out or black out whenever I switch personalities, so it can't be.
What's funny is that at one point, I believed that I did have a personality disorder. Because how can I switch personalities and emotions so easily? How can I be one person now and another person in the next second? I'd come to a conclusion that I was bipolar. I read a lot on these personality disorder things, but I know I haven't read enough to fully understand the extent and essence of it, but I've read enough to just understand what it is.
And you wonder, why am I telling you all this? Who are you to me?
You could be strangers, friends or family, it doesn't really matter to me. You can call me crazy and all the names you can come up with and it doesn't matter.
I don't know if I've found my inner peace. But I realized that people are always changing, so my inner peace is always changing, that's why I don't know if I've found it yet.
Anyway, I'm telling you this because even if you don't read it, or even if nobody reads it, I've put out what I've been hiding in my mind for so long that it's driving me to the edge of a cliff.
I've always felt suicidal. It's interesting. Because I never let myself kill myself. Because I'm never going to give anyone the satisfaction of breaking me. If I shall die, it will be by the hands of God or by another person. I don't know if this makes me suicidal. I do not fear heights, but I fear that I might lose myself and just jump off. And what's even funnier is that sometimes I die, and sometimes I don't. When I don't, I do this epic parkour move where I just propel myself right before hitting the ground to avoid major and fatal injuries.
I realized that I've always been interested in parkour. Even as a child, I would stare at something, and visualize myself jumping all over the place. It could be ADHD. What I'm doing right now could be a symptom of ADHD too. I started off with secrets and now I'm talking about parkour. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even thinking straight.
But my thoughts are all over the place.
Then I've been thinking about the world, and people. You know, because I said it before. And I've been thinking about my personalities, you know that too. You see, the problem is, I have one side that is just constantly thinking about killing people, and I have one side that is just trying to save every person. However, as a whole, I strongly believe that killing people is wrong. Even the side that thinking about killing people knows and believes that it is wrong to kill, it still kills because it doesn't care about what is right or wrong.
But anyway, I believe that we do not have the right to kill another human being. No matter what the person has done before, even if he raped or killed another person, I still believe we have no right to kill such a person. Because then, we'll be no different than him. Interestingly enough, I believe that torture is alright. Because even if it's involuntary, what a person might or might not have done, may effect another person, and torture them mentally. So even if it's not torture for the "now", it is still torture for the long run. This torture is something very interesting. The victim has the choice to chase out the torture, however, he/she is unable to, because they have been mentally traumatized. It's interesting, isn't it?
I used to have a very violent and vicious mindset but maybe it's worse now, well, I think it is. Whenever somebody pisses me off, I imagine them dying and surprisingly, it calms me. It still does. But now, I try a different perspective. I don't kill them anymore, because killing them is a mercy. And I prefer not to give them mercy. I would torture them until they're half dead, and then let them recover, then torture them again. An endless torture. Otherwise, I would torture them until they faint, and force them to wake up and torture them so they feel the pain.
So oddly enough, and basically contradictory, I firmly believe that we have no right to kill a person, however, we have every right to torture them for what they did to us.
Well, that was basically what I wanted you to know anyway. The secrets and parkour and personality bullshit was just something that popped into my head before I could gear my mind for the violent stuff.
I think I'm quite evil, when I write it out this way, about how torture is alright. Killing them would be a mercy, wouldn't it, now? Would you show mercy to someone who has mentally abused you? I know I wouldn't. I don't have the ability to do that. But maybe you do. And maybe you're bigger and better than me. And it's alright. Because it's better that way. Because I have my own way of thinking. And it doesn't matter how twisted it gets. It's my own head.
