=P

oh my god, this is such a hot day................

Killing Myself Again and Again

I try and I try, but things just never work out
I fall then I get up, but people push me down again and again

I got killed, then I revived, but they just kept stabbing me
So I stay still, dead, in my own tomb where no one could get to me...

I'm alone, I'm depressed
It's dark here, there's no smiles...

They say I did this to myself,
Yes, half, maybe, but most, it's them...

Then again, there comes the car of death
Inside, a man in a hood... Black, dark, eerie...

Again, and again... The sight never leaves me...
Twice... Three times... Four times...

I lose count... He comes again and again
I die again and again... Suicide, fail...

I just had a quick glance at him,
then light bursts and he fades away, driving into another alley

I wait, I stare, I hope... He comes back and claims me
I kill myself... Again and again...

He comes... Again and again...
He goes.... Again and again..

I am never claimed...
But I die again and again

This is all my doing...
I'm killing myself again and again...
Just so I can escape...
And be with him...

_______________________
REGARDS: GOD OF DEATH, when will you claim me?

My future?

So I can officially call this blog quite DEAD since I don't get much readers and I'm not updating anything...
My Black Eagle series is currently on hold, like I said.
Writer's block it so damn annoying like FUCK.
So great, I have no idea what to write. My brain is dead but my fingers are in a desperate mode for motion...

Okay...

What am I going to write here..

Great, let's have a little idea on my future, shall we?

I have a lot of dreams, ambitions and hopes that normal people have but don't usually chase. I guess that's just me, because I like chasing impossible things, most probably because there's more challenges.

People call me crazy, and I don't really mind, in fact, I think it's more of a compliment. I like being crazy. I like pain. I enjoy the sight of blood and guts. I love dead things. Yes, you can say that I hate living things... (in some way...)
Then again, I love living things. I don't like surgeries... Mostly because seeing the beating heart of someone is like an invasion of privacy....

Moving on and on and on...

Where am I heading now? Where am I setting my goals?

..
.
..
.
.
.
.
I have no idea.

These are a list of my interests in job fields, yada yada yada
-Musician
-Novelist
-Actress
-Director
-Script Writer
-Psychologist
-Teacher? (maybe?)

So that's my current list of interest, teacher not so much, but I could see myself teaching really bad kids though.. (With a very weird way of teaching that involves body guards and arm wrestling)

Now....

Okay...

Recently...

I went to a BRATs camp in Kuantan (which is awesome BTW)

It was on journalism.

I used to want to become a journalist when I first heard about BRATs, that was when I was around 10 and my cousin came to my house to stay a night and leave for the workshop the next day. She told me about it and it seemed interesting.

I lost interest in journalism long before I joined BRATs too. So why did I join it in the first place?

Let's get with why I lost interest, okay?

I lack interest reading newspapers... I only read comics, that's the only reason why I even touch the newspaper, comics and sudoku.... So I don't really enjoy real life stories. (it's boring in some way) So the interest just faded, but still I enjoy writing. Only last year I practically rampaged across the internet to find a Creative Writing in college or whatever. The best of course, is in America or Britain, as it originated from there...

Now moving on with the "Actress" bit, shall we? We can leave BRATs for later..
My interest in acting started maybe when I was in Form Three? I just watched a lot of movies and thought, wouldn't a life of an actor be more interesting and hectic? (Yes, sometimes I enjoy hectic) So when my aunts asked me what was my goal in life, I said Acting and they went, "Acting is not a good career, you have to be a prostitute" and all that BULL SHIT. Of course, my dad doesn't encourage me either. (Nobody in my family is helpful, they keep shooting down my hopes so I really don't like them) But heck, I would never give acting up.

Now moving to why I joined BRATs.

I wanted to join BRATs since my cousin joined. Of course, I wanted to join for the fun and excitement. I had no luck last year, I flipped no newspapers. I wanted to join early this year, but still, I didn't flip the newspapers. So how? One day, I was bored in school (Wednesday) so I decided to pick up a paper in the library and do some sudoku. Then flipping through the pages, there it was: "BRATs" I gaped in awe and joy. Read up the details and got writing straight away. I'm quite a contradictory writer, as my teacher claims, I say one thing in the beginning then twists it at the end. Of course, I'm never pleased with my work, no matter how good I do it. I always need to find that bit of satisfaction, that people would find it enjoyable. So yes, I had my teacher go through it. What she said hurt because what I wrote was irrelevant to what BRATs wanted. I only wrote about my dreams, and I introduced myself as a third person. So what my teacher said, "This is not you, you are only hiding behind words." Yes, I have. I'm always scared of revealing myself, taking off that sheath of protection, but still, time will come where I will need to be honest, and that was it. I wrote about what I did in school, what I loved to do, what competitions I entered and whatnot. I was ecstatic when I heard I got in. My teacher said, "This is good for you, it can help you expose yourself. You are like Kino, you know? Trapped in a pot just waiting to break out."

Yes, I am just like Kino, one of the characters in the Pearl. I'm just waiting, just hoping.

Now let's move on a bit more, shall we?

My plan, for now.

So almost 2 months ago or so, my school had career day and had a few colleges from here and there to come have a convention. My goals are writing and acting, so I had that in mind when I went around. And what do you know? The first college that approached me (New Era College) was cheap, affordable and yes, HAS DRAMA COURSES!!!

The thought of it ran through my head for the whole week. Drama, drama, drama, I've always wanted to do Drama. My school doesn't have it, so I don't know if I'm talented. I want to do Drama, I want to act. But people don't encourage me, so I hardly ever tell anyone about my dreams and goals...

I thought, "Hey! I could take up Drama, study, get certificate, get a job, earn enough money to send myself to America, get a job there, then study Writing there." I told myself, "We don't get Drama workshops, and I'm already quite good in what I do (writing stories). So I should take up Drama, then if I can't get into a writing course in the US, I could always attend a writer's workshop!"

I don't mind low-living. I won't mind living in an apartment, renting a room, working double shifts to pay my bills. It would be something new to me and I like trying new things.

This is me.

This is how I want my future to be.

End of Workshop

It's been forever since I've posted something here...
I have no excuse for my laziness (only laziness)
So yup, the camp is over, and I miss it MADLY!!!